Living with Anxiety **TRIGGER WARNING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, SELF HARM, CHILD ABUSE**

 Growing up, I was always the quiet kid. The kid who always behaved in class, who never got caught being too loud or rebellious in any way. I would say that, on the whole, I was a good kid who was considered good by most.

But as I grew up and slowly grew into the person I am, I realized that I was not a good child because I was better than other children. I was good because I was afraid to be myself. You see, I grew up in an extremely abusive home. My father indulged in alcohol and had severe anger issues. My father instilled a fear in me that I still struggle with today as an adult. My father never once laid a hand on me, nor did he have to. When he just looked at me, my heartbeat fast and my hands shook. My father's physical abuse was more directed at my mother 

Growing up and seeing all that I experienced as such a young child, especially having to be taken away from home because things were getting alot worse than they always were, I developed severe anxiety and panic disorder. It stops me from doing many things that I would like to do today.

I have so many triggers. The sound of squealing tyres on the road, talking loudly in the distance (if I do not understand what is being said, I automatically imagine the worst), driving fast, confrontations, etc

I have many coping mechanisms to ensure I do not fall down the rabbit hole of panic attacks, but I still struggle to keep the wolf from the door.

Trying to cope also allowed me to develop little fantasy worlds in my head, and I guess those worlds took my mind off the hellhole I should call a home.

I prayed a lot as a child, I was taught that from a young age. My mother prayed almost daily, so I was no stranger to praying and calling out to God 

There were times when I obviously did not understand why certain things were happening at my house and not at my friends'. They talked about weekends in happy families and the only traces I had of weekends were hiding in a wardrobe or in the garage with my mother because my father's mood ranged from happy to hateful.

I questioned a lot of things, and sometimes still do, but over time I realised that all these things had to happen. The foundation had to be laid early so that I could be as great and strong as I am now.

Sometimes you do not know how bad a situation is until you leave it behind. When I came out of the home, I realised that I had so much trauma inside me, so much that I could never talk out, so much of myself that I had hidden because of the fear of my father 

I forgave him, I forgave him along time ago. I have forgiven my mother for staying in that situation and I have forgiven myself for hating how much I was a misunderstood introvert 

Living with anxiety is hard, but I know it is a daily struggle and will always be a struggle for me. I accepted this struggle a long time ago. If all these things had not happened to me, maybe I would not have the relationship with God that I have today. Maybe I would not have prayed to him so much if I had not had this experience when I was growing up 

To all of you who had a traumatic childhood and are now struggling with the aftermath of those traumas as adults, I want you to know that it's okay. Even if you did not have a difficult childhood or experience something specific that caused you to have anxiety, depression or panic attacks, it's still okay.

Every day is a battle with an enemy we can not see or touch, but we can feel. Only we can feel it, it can be exhausting at times, but I think we should never forget to take a second and tell ourselves how proud we are to still be here today 

Thankfully, I find comfort by talking to God and continually growing my relationship with Him. I hope you can find the same. It does not have to be your faith, but just something that gives you a sense of purpose and helps you fight on 

Much love and understanding from me and you!!!